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A little over a year ago, I was lost, grouchy, out of touch with the things that gave me joy, and in one word: unfulfilled. The article below was written around this time, documenting this rough patch of mine. It was written under the pen name "Emily."
Being naturally self-interested I never thought I would be prey to "losing one's self to motherhood" but boy was I ever wrong!!! EVERYTHING revolved around my daughter and I didn't realize it until she was 18 months old! Hello? A little clueless are we? YES! New motherhood is like that. Time is on warp speed. Adrenaline is high, energy is low, and uninterrupted sleep is unheard of.
Today, I feel more at peace, balanced, confident, and decisive (on my best days). My friends and family ask me how it is raising two small children and I tell them it is easier with two than with one. Yes, you read that right. EASIER with TWO than with ONE child. Why? Because the first time around I had no parental confidence and pretty much did everything wrong (did not sleep train, carried the baby all the time, was a 24 hour breast feeding buffet to the baby...etc. etc.) THIS time around I actually devoured books on parenting, motherhood, sleep training, and all things important to have an EASIER life with baby #2. All that self-educating did wonders and lo and behold I found the time to do some work. The soul-searching kind of work that got me to the happier place I find myself in today.
This entry is dedicated to all my Mommy friends. And here's a quote that so aptly describes my "self-interested-sentiments" about motherhood:
"The myth of motherhood as martyrdom has been bred into women, and behavioral scientists have helped embellish the myth with their ideas of correct "feminine" behavior. If women understand that they do not have to ignore their own needs and desires when they become mothers, that to be self-interested is not to be selfish, it will help them to avoid the trap of overattachment."
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Title: Rediscovering Me
Who knew that along with the marvels and joys of new motherhood comes the daunting task of re-discovering one’s self after that little bundle has arrived. My little bundle is now eighteen months and is truly the light and love of my life! She and I have an amazing relationship and I am very proud of the respect, love, and affection we have built.
But why, at the end of the day, do I feel unfulfilled? To top things off, I have a loving husband, a supportive family, wonderful close friends, and a job that allows me to focus on my family life. Why, instead of immense gratitude, do I feel guilt and a deep sense that something important is missing?
After spending some time reflecting, I’ve realized that missing something is that I no longer am in tuned with myself. I’ve forgotten what makes that good ole’ zest-full person I love come alive.
Today I begin that journey back to me.
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